Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
