i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
