Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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