He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
They have beer where we have blood.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
