This is not my ceiling
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
