When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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