We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
