Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Randomize
