Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
