where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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