I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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