My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
