just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
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