I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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