He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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