there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
My balls are so social today.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Randomize
