just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I think your dad took our porno
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
