tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Why did my mother make you get naked?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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