Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
