just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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