Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Everything about him screamed your future.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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