This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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