it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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