Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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