made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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