Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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