oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
