did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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