Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
