Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
