did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
