But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Randomize
