i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
