Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
