please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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