it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
