you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
