u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
