I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
