First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
