did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
