Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
