you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
