So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
