Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
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