Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
