she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
