so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
