a queef is a wish your heart makes.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
