Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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