update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
